This is the only picture I kept from the day I wore The White Dress (@27).

Now, looking at this picture, seems so clear to me; I was too young & much needy for love. Book smart does not teach one how to know oneself (at the depths of one soul/being). I trusted my ‘thoughts’ & ‘beliefs’. Not realizing, my thoughts were build on foundation of ‘others’ thoughts & beliefs. Not realizing, the traumatized self functions within the survival context & filters all experiences from lenses/need for safety & seeking love (while having protective barriers around the vulnerable self). Not realizing, the pain of past days (known & supressed) remains as a heavy weight anchoring one in fear. Fear of being vulnerable/fear of being hurt/fear of not being worthy & lovable. Fear guiding the thoughts & actions.

Though, I did love my ex husband in the depths of my being-I loved from a needy self/a child like innocence wanting to be loved. At the end of our 20 year journey together, I said: “All I wanted was for you to love me”.

January marked several anniversaries: My Birth/My Separation & My Divorce & My Gastric Bypass. All these events had happened in the month of January. The Endings & The Beginnings.

Q. Can one love another if one is unable to love themselves!?

I am grateful to my ex husband for the time we shared & the sons I have. Equally, now, I am grateful that he set me free/allowed me to journey into the depths of pain that propelled my inner self-discovery. I know deeply, I would have been unable to See & Feel & Discover Myself-had he not gifted me the gift of freedom to do so. Perhaps, that in itself is Love. I love him deep enough to Wish him Happiness & Joy on his path (not the attachment type of love where I would want us together/I am a different woman now).

By extension, the love I shared with my sons though profoundly deep & filled with good intentions may also had not been enough to nurture them.

Q. Can a child feel truly loved if the parent (mother) does not love herself & doesn’t know the ‘feeling’ of loving herself?

Now, I am not judging myself for my shortcomings in my ability to give & share love towards another (spent much energy in regrets/though perhaps, unfounded, as I did not know differently). After all, words are merely markers/labels/used to communicate feelings but lack the feelings. Perhaps, as I gift myself the gift of compassion, I can feel the love and project it forward.

Q. Why good intentions are not always enough? Perhaps, intentions like an energy wave must be carried by a charge: Love. Love-I am Feeling.

Hugs.